He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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