Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
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