I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
