I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
