So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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