Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
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