You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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