i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She swung at the pinata with crutches
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
