Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
