nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize