You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Randomize
