I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
