i was born a porn star she said
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
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