my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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