i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Randomize
