I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
