i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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