Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
