I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
In other news, I just burned my penis
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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