I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
