i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
