paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Randomize
