I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize