He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
