I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize