I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures
I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy
But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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