what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
