I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
