So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
