I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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