He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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