it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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