i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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