Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Randomize
