We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
Randomize
