not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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