I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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