There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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