we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
