I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
