I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My breasts were aching with rage.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
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