I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Nobody cheats on THIS.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
