babies were throwing up all over the place
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
