Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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