I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
