last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
