mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
