On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
