I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
