i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
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