This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
