True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
