nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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